Thoughts of a Lost & Lonely Person

I may seem to be a negative person, but I'm not. Just a bit lost & lonely in this world. Not quite sure what my purpose of existence is anymore.

Venting Out.

It is difficult, there is no doubt about that. However, I didn’t think it would be this challenging for me and my precious broken heart. It is quite odd that my phone has been silent lately, I am pretty used to it being buzzed due to messages and IMs. But what can I do, right? It has already happened.

Yesterday I decided to go out and visit my friends at one of their houses after a long time, just talk to them you know. Let out on whatever was in my heart and mind. Well, I broke down crying while I was informing them about what had happened to me recently. Actually I only cried in front of one of them, who I shall label her name as K. She was the one who knew the details of my relationship and I didn’t even have to tell her what it was. She would just figure it out. No, I didn’t expect them to pity me or have any sympathy for me. I just wanted someone to hear me out, you know. I didn’t want to burden my beautiful mother with more problems since I had dropped that major bomb of an information on her that day. Plus, she’s going through with her own problems. Anyway, back to my small group of friends. I am grateful about one thing, they were there for me when I was really at the dark moment of my life. They picked me up when I fell. They really cheered me up, but I knew that was not going to last long because sooner or later, I would probably be sad again. Still, I thank them for helping me through a bit. A heartbreak cannot be healed instantly.

Another friend of mine who I shall label as J. He made me realize that I needed to wake up and not dwell into the pain which I am facing right now. Why? Because time will be wasted. Also, J supported and encouraged me to do what I wanted to do and excel it even further. Not to prove to anyone else (it would be a bonus though), but to prove to myself that I am a somebody, that I am not a slacker, that I am worth something and lastly, that I’m ME. Believe it or not, it made me smile. My mother had told me that as well, which I did appreciate but you know, it’s not the same as having someone unrelated to you saying that. It made me feel like I am not that invisible, there are a few more people besides my family that knew I exist. Yes, might be a few people but at least it’s something rather than nothing.

My mother had told me last night, “You will be fine, it will take time. But remember, God will never put something which you can’t handle upon you because no matter what sins you have done, He will still love you because you are His creation. Without His power, there is no you.”. I love you Mom.

– Your imperfect anonymous.

Love or Lust?

Is it possible to fall in love the second time or maybe more? My answer – absolutely yes. My other question is, how can you differentiate between love and lust within that moment itself when you are in a relationship? My answer – I still am trying to figure out the differences, really.

Nothing hits you hard than a damn painful heartbreak, they are the worst. Agree? Yes. Happened once about 4-5 years ago, happened twice today itself. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I just got out of a relationship. You might be wondering how on Earth could I possibly find the time to blog about it. Before you jump the gun, this is where The Imperfect Anonymous vents out his/hers frustrations from the sorrowful life. First one was not a relationship but it did hurt. A lot. It roughly took me about exactly 5 years to get over that person. However, I did wish that I had not wasted any time on that jerk that I fell for at first. As the years go by, I do get attracted to other people as well, but always had bad luck. I prefer to not go in detail though, I rather leave it there in the past. My second one (which is a relationship) unfortunately had ended today. Honestly, I have no idea what to say about it. Emotions wise, I feel like I just got shot or got hit by a massive truck continuously. Is that even possible to feel that way? Whatever it is, I am very sad that words can’t even explain my emotions, but tears. I don’t know what is going on but thanks a lot The Universe for adding another pain and burden along with my depression, adding more weight to my plate before I crack again. Sigh.

Well, it didn’t work out so it was not meant to be. Nothing is ever meant to be for me. Like I said earlier on, pure bad luck. I am pretty sure I will be cynical when it comes to future relationships. I don’t know, but I do hope to find the love of my life later on in life. Typical me isn’t it? Always clinging to that minimal percentage of hope, going against all of the odds.

– Your imperfect anonymous.

Shattered Dreams.

This seems like a good quaint timing to blog another post. Thunder storm, rain, a cup of hot coffee with a blog post to be typed? Yes, this is my typical “sweater weather” moments. Probably a few moments before I created this new anonymous blog, I was reflecting on my hopes and dreams for my future. I can tell you one thing that I am certain of – It will not be succeeded. Or maybe I am just a quitter, I don’t know.

I tend to do this almost every single time when I am aware that something that I love doing or what I wanted to do would not be succeeded. Alright, okay. Quitter it is. Thing is, this is one thing which I hope that it will succeed because it is pretty much my last resort for my happiness. However, I don’t seem to get support from anyone. Not even my so called “friends” whom I’ve always considered them as. In fact, they are not even bothered to keep in contact with me after all the times I have supported and helped them through. Well, I should be used to it by now and just accept the fact that people will only use me to get what they want. Besides my mother and her sister (my aunt), they are the only two people that are supporting me all the way. The down side is that as for the others who did not have my back, it demotivates me to continue creating videos. I feel like I am alone in this. Now before you all jump, don’t worry. The quitter part of me hasn’t gotten to me yet. Still holding up to that very minimal percentage of hope (like I always do).

On the contrary, there are times where giving up was never a part of my option. All other opportunities just slip right through the palm of my hands just like that without me doing anything for it to fall. I find it sad though. Every good opportunity I had, all gone. I somewhat feel as if I am cursed with bad luck. Any ideas or anything that I were to try or touch, it disappears. Vaporization. I really won’t be surprised if this whole creating videos thing wouldn’t work out for me as well. Sigh. I do wonder if there is a chance for me, that is all I ask. Just that one dream to come true.

– Your imperfect anonymous.

Hitting the Rewind Button.

Let’s take a moment to travel back in time, shall we? Not too far though, wouldn’t want to get tangled within the dark times of my life, do we? Let’s just say I wanted to hit the rewind button and just start all over again when it comes to blogging. Except, this time it will be anonymously. Not because I’m afraid, but I’m used to being an outcast – the invisible one.

It took me a while to think this through, but it shouldn’t matter. After all, I’m invisible as everyone treats me that way. Except for my lovely mother, she always stood by my side. Still, I can’t expect her to understand and console me for every single thing that I am facing. Especially when it comes to depression. Boy, that sucker can really feed off your soul and make you feel hopeless and lifeless. I could probably guess what you might be saying now, “Get out of it, pull yourself together. It’s not good.” or “Other people have had it worse than you did.”. Yes, I know it’s not good. Yes, I know others had it worse. However, easier said than done and we all have our own limits that we can only handle. Like I said, you don’t know me as long as I remain anonymous. In short, you wouldn’t know what it’s like to walk in my shoes.

Well, enough with that bit. Allow me to introduce myself, fellow bloggers and readers. I am the imperfect anonymous and imperfect is my middle name. Welcome to the blog of a lonely and lost person. If you are interested to know more about me, feel free to leave comments or questions. Other than that, hop on the rollercoaster and go through the tracks of my sorrowful journey of life.

– Your imperfect anonymous.